Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
