I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
