Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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