oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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