oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My ATM looks so different sober.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
