i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
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You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.