There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?