3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
