As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
