I think scott just propositioned me for sex
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ðŸ˜ðŸ’€#pensacolaproblems
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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