If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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