The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
