tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
