I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
