He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
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THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
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You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.