In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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