My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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