I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
