He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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