Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
