planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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