i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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