new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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