if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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