News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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