She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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