i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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