I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
