What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
