This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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