remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
