My Higher Power is John Stamos
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
