don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
