Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
