I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
