how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Randomize
