this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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