Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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