If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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