She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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