you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
