Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
