Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
