i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
