What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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