half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
