i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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