Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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