i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
