I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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