Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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