her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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