I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
