if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
