This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
