I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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