Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
